You know that feeling when you’re going to lose someone. You try to hold on, as hard as you can, pulling at every string, hoping it’s the right chord which changes their mind, but deep within you know this won’t help. You can feel the distance increase, inch by inch, and no matter how far you try to stretch your hands and pull them back, you are well aware that things will never be the same as before.
And you are left wondering, what went wrong. Was it you, was it them, or was it both of you? You try to reason every instance, lurking in the darkness of the past, searching for answers to new questions every day. But the answers are as vague as the questions. You keep trying to join the dots, but nothing really makes sense.
Then all of a sudden you know it. You knew it was coming. You saw it, once, twice, many a times, but you chose to ignore it. Prayed to your Gods each time that these were false indications to the storm approaching. You knew the boat was going to sink, yet you wished with all your heart that the storm would pass and you would swim ashore with them by your side.
You know that feeling of your heart sinking. There is nothing more painful than seeing your favorite people walk away from you. You know they’ll leave without saying a goodbye and giving you no chance of saying one either.
In all my life I thought saying goodbye was the hardest thing one had to do. Yet, I have been wrong. Not being able to say goodbye is worse. The same people whom you finally thought would stay are leaving and all you are doing is watching them leave. Helpless. Heartbroken.
You know that feeling when someone new walks into your life. You connect right at that moment and they seem to enjoy your company too. They make you smile through your worries and your heart feels happy. But then your mind starts talking. It tells you of all the times people left, breaking your already broken soul bit by bit. You wonder if they had walked into your life with unspoken intentions, only to leave once their job is done. And this scares you. You know you cannot go through the healing process all over again. So you begin to distance yourself, trying to stay in contact only when necessary. Yet your heart craves for them and you hope that someday someone will walk into your life and stay.
If you have ever felt the same, I’m here to tell you that you aren’t alone. I have been there too. A number of times. I know exactly how it feels. Every time I am healing, I meet someone and believe they might stay. And they leave without warnings. I wonder, at times, if this healing will take a lifetime.
Sometimes the distance was the barrier, sometimes misunderstandings. Sometimes both, sometimes none. They just left, and you kept hoping that like the game of Solitaire, life had one undo button which could make you win the game. Yet you know life isn’t a game, nor is there an undo button. All that is there is hope and our actions.
I won’t tell you it’s going to be okay, because it won’t. You will break down, be miserable, sleep straight for 12 hours to stop the hammering in your heart, not leave the house because you suddenly feel home is gone. You will do everything to get them back, and then everything to get over them. And in all that time, you’ll have only one question, why?! Why did your best friend walk away? Why did your love say they don’t love you anymore? Why did your favorite colleague betray you? Why you? Why not anyone else? Why this situation? Tons of questions. Sadly, very few answers, or none.
But I’ll tell you something. Give yourself some time. Don’t jump into conclusions and don’t do anything stupid. I repeat. Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t try to cut your hand, or drink poison, or attempt any other means of hurting yourself. It won’t help. It will just worsen the situation.
Rather, try doing something new. Write a verse, paint a pot, sing a song, play the guitar, go on a solo trip, study hard for the upcoming exams, prepare for a new job. Do something constructive. Learn a new skill, master it if you like, or just learn for the fun of doing new things. But do something. Don’t sit and sulk over your loss. Cry as much as you like, but don’t make crying a part of your daily routine. Keep yourself busy as much as possible.
Surround yourself with positivity. Talk to people who believe in you. The ones who didn’t leave even when they had reasons to do so. You will be surprised to see how much they trust in you. Spend time with your family. They are the best healers. A mother’s lap and father’s hug can cure every broken heart.
Most importantly, believe in yourself. I know it is difficult. I know you will feel like quitting, but don’t. Get up every single time and tell yourself times will change. Today won’t be every day, and one day you will wake up with a dry pillow and non puffy eyes. That one day you won’t get back your friend or your love, but that one day you will know you don’t need them anymore.
And never, never keep grudges. Be happy for them, even if they hurt you. Know that you might have hurt them too. Know that you cannot go back and change the situation, and know that perhaps their leaving was destined. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe you weren’t meant to be.
Yet, be happy that in your little forever, they played a major role, and every time you look back at that phase of your life, know that they made you who you are today. Sometimes by staying back, sometimes by leaving. But every person, leaves an irreplaceable mark in our lives. Every time a person leaves, they take a part of our soul. All we can hope is they keep it safe within their souls.
Remember, this too shall pass. Time always heals. Every loss teaches you lessons books never would. And ever loss has made you the person you are today. Look into the mirror. Smile, because after everything you have been through, you are still going strong.
Because, you deserve a lot better. Because, you will get a lot better. Because, not everyone is the same. Because, not everyday is the same. Because, the clouds will lift and you’ll see the sun and stars again. Because, your smile is craving to be upon your lips again. Because, your tears need a break. Because, after everyone or no one, you will always have you. Because, YOU!